5 Hastily Conceived Get Rich Quick Schemes

    If you’re anything like me, you often find yourself stressed when it comes to your finances. However, as an American in the 21st century, you’ve also acquired the rarefied tastes of a particularly debauched Saudi prince. Someone out there needs to become the next billionaire, free to eat the finest caviar while making bears fight for their amusement on their private jet. Why shouldn’t it be you?
    Instead of investing your money and diversifying your portfolio, try one of these genius ideas that I spent very little time coming up with.
  1. Fleece some hipsters. Create a series of artisanally curated hobo bindles complete with sustainable raised wood, silk pashmina hobo scarves, and a bullshit message about how you always need to be “prepared for the road ahead.” Throw in a copy of On The Road and you’ll be hit with a gluten-free tidal wave of bearded dudes read to hand over their parent’s money for the illusion of non-conformism.
  2. Sell some organs. Not important ones obviously. Everyone knows you only need one kidney and like 4 toes to get by, so cash-in on the bounty that nature gave you. I heard one time that they replaced some guy’s heart with the heart of a pig. So sell your heart and get a slightly used one at the deli. That’s called being a crafty consumer.
  3. Ask each of your Facebook friends for $200. According to an article I skimmed, the average Facebook user in the US has around 650 friends. Try crafting an individual message to each of them asking for a quick $200 to help you get back on your feet. If only 25% respond you’ll make around $32,500! Then delete your Facebook, change your name, and hop a boxcar out of town, living like royalty among the hobos and tramps of America’s backwater train-ways. If it worked for Bob Dylan and Don Draper, then why not you?
  4. Write a book of bullshit Get Rich Quick Schemes. This one is just hitting me right now. How hard could this be? I’m mean I’ve already got five, and I could stretch some of these out into a chapter or two at least. Put in some details from the Wikipedia page about entrepreneurship and a bunch of Ayn Rand quotes and boom, a bajillion dollars.
  5. Bitcoin? Bitcoin is a thing right? Its a “cryptocurrency”, which sounds very cool, so get yourself several thousand bitcoin mining robots, which I assume look like this. Soon you’ll rule over a robotic kingdom, spending days if not weeks without seeing another person. Will the internet riches that allow you to buy and sell small countries dull the pain of a lonely, human free existence? Only one way to find out!

There you have it. One of those ideas could make you rich. You know, theoretically. Godspeed on your capitalist endeavors and remember that by reading this you agree that I receive 25% of the profits if you make any of these actually work.

For more bullshit ideas, follow Max on twitter at @maximumwolfson

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