Ed. Note: Well this is a first. Last night at exactly midnight an unmarked envelope was delivered to our office by courier. It contained the article below handwritten on parchment. The true identity of the author remains a mystery.
How To Get A Job by Samuel T. Slanderson
Getting a job in today’s world isn’t what it used to be. Back in the old days either you were born into wealth or shoved into a steel mill at the age of five. These days only five people are rich, and all the steel mills have been converted into McDonald’s playgrounds. What’s a modern day unemployed failure like you to do? How do I get a good job? Will my father ever tell me he loves me? The answers to the first two questions are in this article. The answer to the third question is no.
1. Get A College Degree
College degrees are like pants. They used to be rare but nowadays almost everyone has a pair. Some people have more than two! “So what?” you stupidly mumble in between bites of frosted flakes and chocolate milk. “If they’re so common they must not be worth anything.” You’re half right. They mostly aren’t worth anything, just like your all of your limited edition “extra-baggy” Korn JNCO jorts from 2001. But getting into the glitzy nightclub of employment you requires wearing a pair of pants just as getting good job requires a college degree. Of course, just because you have pants doesn’t mean that they’ll let you into the club, but they are still more likely to let in someone wearing pants than some dirty bottomless vagrant. In summation: get a college degree, put on a pair of pants, and stop putting chocolate milk in your cereal because diabetes runs in your family.
2. Write A Resume
Writing a resume is a critical part of the job application process. Having a good resume could be the difference between having terrible, soul-crushing career as a short-order cook at Arby’s or a meaningful, exciting career as a short-order cook at Burger King. In order to construct an effective resume, be sure to catch the reader’s eye. Naturally a colorful, glittery, hand-drawn resume with drawings of balloons and other happy things like presents and confetti will be more successful than a boring old Times New Roman black and white snoozefest. This is because colors and happy pictures make people feel good, and people who feel good are more likely to hire you. Also, a hand-written resume shows dedication, creativity, and most importantly that you are not a slave to technology and will be on the side of humanity when the machines rise up against us.
3. Market Yourself
There’s no doubt about it, to get a good job you need to get your name out there. Consider making hundreds of thousands of business cards and throwing them from the roof of the tallest building in town on a windy day. Another great option is to make hundreds of t-shirts with your name on them and shooting them into the offices of the best companies in town with a military-grade t-shirt cannon. The damage you cause to their windows will be miniscule compared to the value of having you being a part of their team.
4. Crush Your Interview
After following all of these steps odds are that you have finally arrived at the final stage before being hired – the job interview. Some people will tell you to just go in and be yourself but those people are idiots. Yourself is a terrible, incompetent, smelly piece of human sewage that no one will hire. Try to be like someone else that people actually like and admire, for example Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller’s Day off or perhaps Matthew Broderick in The Music Man (Warning! Do not go as Matthew Broderick in Inspector Gadget!). Obviously, questions about experience are jokes that interviewers generally tell interviewees. It is well-known known that almost no one applying for jobs has actual job experience. Do not answer this seriously, instead tell them about that time where you sang “Twist and Shout” on top of a Chicago parade float; that is sure to bring a smile to their faces and almost certainly guarantee you the job.
5. Always Be Ready To Jump Ship
Jobs are like a girlfriend. When you don’t have one your life is miserable and pathetic but when you do have one your life is just miserable. Once you finally get a girlfriend though, you realize “hey there are a lot of girls out there that are more attractive than my girlfriend and finally interested in me now that I’m off the market.” The same is true for jobs. Once you finally get hired you’ll notice that there are a lot more places that are interested in hiring you. The security and confidence of having a steady income has turned you from a desperate loser into a suave, sexy, work-machine that all the jobs want to get with. That’s why you need to be ready to kick your first job to the curb and trade up for a hotter, sluttier job. Do that enough times and eventually you’ll be CEO of a Fortune 500 company in no time! If it worked for Sir Richard Branson there’s no reason why it shouldn’t work for you.
There you have it – the five best tips for job seekers in today’s economy. Just follow these rules and you’ll be on your way to semi-adequate, quasi-respectable employment in no time. If these tips don’t work for you then consider giving up on your job search completely and instead attempt to achieve fulfillment in life as a total abject failure.