Man buns: the popular phenomenon that’s sweeping across white urban hipster America. While the trendy haircut appears fun and harmless at first sight, researchers have identified several worrying side effects that should give us all pause:
1) Climate Change: When a man’s head is tied into a single bun on the crown of his head, the pressure exerted by the pulling of hair follicles leads to the release of massive quantities of CO2 into the atmosphere, compounding an already devastating global crisis. Bradley Cooper’s man bun alone has raised global temperatures by .2 degrees F in 2013.
2) ISIS: In a statement released on June 12, 2015, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said that “the man bun is a symbol of the disgraceful tastes of American infidels and is deeply insulting to those who respect Allah.” While the continually evolving conflict in Iraq and Syria is complex and multifaceted, we can be certain that peace in the Middle East is almost incomprehensible if man buns continue to proliferate.
3) Autism: Research has shown that toddlers, when repeatedly exposed to the peculiar haircut, become confused and disoriented, and are less likely to respond normally to social cues. Man bun exposure, in fact, is an even higher risk factor for autism than childhood vaccines.
4) Mental Illness: Communities with the highest concentrations of man buns have alarming rates of depression, bipolar disorder, and paranoid schizophrenia. A young professional living in the Shaw neighborhood of Washington, DC, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “my mental state was already fragile, and the other day I saw a group of three men walking down the street, all with man buns, wearing skinny capri pants and tortoise shell sunglasses, and I suddenly had this acute feeling that there was no hope, for any of us. I sunk into a despair like nothing I’ve ever felt.”
5) They make you look like a fucking loser.