The Secret Diary Of Donald J. Trump

Ed note: Through well-placed and very secret sources, GCDC has obtained access to the private journal of businessman, Republican Presidential candidate, and follicle innovator Donald Trump. It is presented without comment below:

June 29th:

Ok, soo not sure how I should start this thing…what’s up Diary. This is the best Diary in the world. Its pages are made of silk and its bound in the hide of a kind of leopard I had hunted to extinction. I slept so good last night. The best sleep anyone has ever had. My bed is the best bed. Its technically the world’s 3rd largest beanbag and it’s filled with tapioca pudding that’s changed daily by my employees, who all love me and think I’m great. I am a job creator. My sheets are animal pelts and they are fantastic. I am very rich.

July 2nd:

You know, a lot people might think I’m racist, but I’m also in the WWE Hall of Fame! Don’t see that in the NY Times. I would cancel my subscription but I like making my butler do the Sunday crossword on a timer. Every minute it takes him I peg him with a bb gun. It’s good to connect with the common man, you know?

July 4th:

Happy 4th Diary! I’m off to the Hamptons to shoot bottle rockets at dolphins from Dick Cheney’s yacht. I hope he doesn’t bring Sean Hannity. That little nerd never leaves me alone. “I have a great business idea” blah, blah, blah. I don’t read ‘investment proposals’. I build garish, ostentatious monuments to my own hubris that defy the laws of man, God, and finance, then I slap my name right up on top in gold. God I’m fantastic.

July 5th:

I’m thinking about getting a giant pile of gold and jewels to swim around in, Scrooge McDuck style. How dare some cartoon waterfowl think he can live better than me! My pool will be six hundred feet wide and full of AMERICAN money, not Nazi gold. Well not a lot of Nazi gold. I’m very rich.

July 6th:

Got on Wikipedia and found out about like 12 new races I’ve never heard of. Weird stuff. I wonder if any of them were the country that Obama is from. I always forget. Anyway, I’m a little bummed that I have to learn new stereotypes for the rest of the day. Being racists just isn’t as easy as it used to be :/

July 9th:

Can’t wait to be President. First order of business, National Break-Dancing Day. I, Donald Trump, am secretly a huge fan of break-dancing. So glad I can confide this to you Diary. You’re the best friend my toupee ever had. Also have I mentioned that I’m very rich? That’s two things about Donald Trump – I’m rich, and love poppin’ and lockin’ like a real street b-boy, ya dig?

July 11th:

Am I wrong? Maybe almost everyone in the world is right and I am a narcissistic clown, parading around  for a barely interested public because I can’t even find solace in wealth, which is literally the best thing ever. Last week I crashed my gold-plated jet ski into the side of Bill Gates’ beach house and I honestly barely felt anything. Jeez, I need to cheer up. I’m going to find a poor person and make them eat change or something.

July 13th:

Don’t know what I’ll do tonight, still a little bummed. I heard there’s a show at Jake’s Boiler Room at 8. Even though I’m an abhorrent person and walking embodiment of the flaws of capitalism I do have excellent taste in comedy, so I’ll probably stop by the check it out. Also, I should mention that I’m very rich.

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