Everybody knows that I’m a badass and a rebel. While all the corporate drones are following the rules and bending over to take it from the man, I’m blazing my own path, boldly defying our society’s conventions. Here are 4 examples of how I’m a true iconoclast:
1) I never separate my colors and whites: I know that you’re thinking “but Chris, your bright red shirts are going to bleed all over your white clothes. What you’re doing is dangerous and irresponsible!” I’ve been throwing all of my laundry together in the machine my whole adult life without incident. How does that make all of you squares feel, knowing that you’ve been wasting hours of what precious little time we have on this earth sorting your dirty laundry? I knew all along that the whole conventional wisdom behind separating whites from colors was just a vast conspiracy designed to keep us busy and subservient to the will of the establishment. I will not be held down by the arbitrary rules of the petit bourgeois.
2) I have no knowledge of electronic dance music: While some people, for reasons beyond my comprehension, genuinely enjoy EDM, most others follow along with the crowd and pretend to enjoy it because its “cool” and “hip” and “current,” all the while praying that the pulsing drum machines and screeching synth sounds don’t induce a seizure. I can proudly say that I am neither “cool” nor “hip” nor “current.” In fact, I’m so deeply and completely uncool that I become cool again, which is as badass as you can get. I dread the moment when a friend excitedly says, “Chris, we’ve gotta go see the show at U Street Music Hall tonight. DJ Sunshine Cheesecake is opening, and DJ Arty DickWad is headlining. Its gonna be dope!” I just say, “I’d rather see Adam Sandler’s newest movie about a man whose electric toothbrush becomes a time machine.” Then I go home, put my headphones on, and listen to Led Zeppelin II, which is how real badasses spend their Friday nights.
3) I make my own pie crusts: The sheep buy store bought pie crusts, thinking that all they deserve is a subpar pie with a crust that tastes like silly putty. A true rebel goes the extra mile and gives himself nothing but the best. Baking a delicious pecan pie with a flaky, buttery crust that melts in your mouth is an act of defiance against mediocrity that should inspire us all.
4) I stand in the corner at parties and don’t talk to anybody: Most people feel obligated to be engaging and fun at a party, to have interesting conversations and make new friends. Those people are conformist losers. I park myself next to the hors d’oeuvres tray and eat cheese and crackers for two hours, observing everyone around me with disdain while making sure to avoid eye contact, like the real badass that I am. Rebels do not engage in small talk about their jobs or the best places to get Vietnamese food. Rebels eat an entire block of muenster cheese within 25 minutes and silently resent everybody around them.