In Honor Of Ant Man: 6 Other Lame Superheroes

First things first: Ant Man wasn’t great. Even the bromantic visage of America’s Sweetheart Paul Rudd couldn’t save the movie from feeling weird, forced, and not entirely thought out. However, the movie broke new ground in the superhero genre by focusing on a main character who, even at the height of his powers, is basically a land-bound Aquaman.

Sure, shrinking down and being able to sort of talk to ants is great if you’re a regular dude, but compared to Thor’s lightning hammer or The Hulk ripping cities apart it seems pretty tame. In the spirit of honoring the less specially-powered we present a list of 6 underwhelming titans of the super-world:

1) Aunt Man

When Stephen Stephens is on a school field trip to an experimental science lab he is bitten by an irradiated Aunt, transforming him from from high school nerd into a hero with heart, soul, and awesome powers of an Aunt! With his ability to drink entire boxes of wine in a single gulp and the capability to tell deeply disturbing and overly sexual anecdotes he remains the stalwart defender of truth, justice, and not having kids because you’re fine visiting your nephew every six months.

2) MurderFist ThunderGun: Tax Accountant

    A six foot five mercenary gun-for-hire for over twenty years, MurderFist ThunderGun has mowed down thousands with his signature double machine guns, overthrown governments from Costa Rica to Constantinople, and killed more world leaders than diabetes and the CIA combined. However, in his later years he has chosen to utilize a little known tool in his arsenal – a CPA license he acquired in 1994. He currently serves the good people of Oakdale, Illinois at competitive rates.

3) Paul Dano

Paul Franklin Dano (born June 19, 1984) is an American actor and producer. Dano started his career on Broadway and received accolades for his role as Dwayne Hoover in Little Miss Sunshine, There Will Be Blood, 12 Years a Slave and Prisoners. Also, he can fly and shoot lasers out of his dick.

4) Captain American Samoa

An offshoot of the successful World War II Super-Soldier Serum program, the US Army took volunteer Amata Ofa and transformed him from a skinny recruit into a superhuman murder machine. After an enjoyable run punching Japanese airplanes out of the sky and preventing the invasion of the islands Captain American Samoa hasn’t had much to do. He currently enjoys fishing off of the Vailulu’u Seamount, jet skiing, and visiting the grave of Robert Louis Stevenson.

5) The Inedible Bulk

A fixture at the headquarters of the Avengers, IB is a large, rough, vaguely human-shaped lump which Bruce Banner (aka the Hulk) claims was a friend he brought with him on the fateful day he was exposed to the dose of Gamma radiation that gave him his powers. After years of dodging questions it is widely believe that it is a rock which Banner has grown attached to, since one of the side-effects of earth-rending strength is almost definitely mental illness.

6) Squirts, The Intelligent Orangutan With IBS

Widely regarded as the least effective and most disgusting hero of modern times Squirts is an intelligent ape with the ability to speak English, a mastery of most computer electronics, and the worst case of IBS in recorded history. Strapped with his trademark adamantium diapers he struggles to find criminals as they generally smell him coming from as far as half a mile away.

There you have it. I have spec scripts at the ready for any coked out Hollywood execs interested in turning these into feature films. You can contact me via SnapChat.

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