5 Online Dating Dealbreakers

The world of online dating can be difficult. You talk to a guy online and it seems like you have a lot of common interests and share a real connection. However, dealbreakers always seem to emerge within the first few dates. Here are five classic online dating dealbreakers:

1) He loves Ace of Base: You have a date with a guy who’s a 97% match on OKCupid (that’s a high percentage match!), and things seem to be going smoothly. That is, until he starts humming “The Sign” under his breath as you walk toward the miniature golf course. Ace of Base is a firm dealbreaker. There is no way you can be with a man who enjoys 90’s Swedish dance pop. If he had hummed an Abba song, that would have been fine, because 70’s Swedish dance pop is terrific. But 90s Swedish dance pop is an abomination, and anybody who thinks otherwise is not a suitable romantic partner.

2) He’s a Satanist: Mark seems like a great match, but you can’t quite wrap your head around his Satanism. You were touched when you told him about your recent interview for your dream job, and he said that he would draw a pentagram in his basement, sacrifice a goat, and implore the unholy one to land you the job. But Satan is ALL he talks about. Every conversation goes back to his love for the spirit-being Lucifer, the magic of ritualistic orgies, and the joys of devil worship. It would be nice if he could more knowledgeably discuss other topics, like movies or politics, without injecting his fascination with the dark arts and his life of carnal pleasure into the conversation.

3) His Cat is Ugly: On the third date, Jeff takes you to his apartment, and you’re really into him. Just as things start getting hot and heavy, you get a glimpse of his hideous cat: hairless and cross-eyed, with a scrawny and emaciated body. You can’t possibly be with someone who can love something so ugly. You want a man who appreciates beauty and aesthetics.

4) He’s Vin Diesel: When you first meet Vin, he seems cool and self-possessed. When he tells you that he’s in the entertainment industry and loves fast cars, you start to suspect that something is amiss. Soon you realize that you’re on a date with Vin Diesel. Although you realize that Fast Five is a modern cinematic classic, you have to stick to your policy of never dating guys with surnames that are also car parts. You also felt guilty when you had to dump Mike Fender and Joe CatalyticConverter, but it was the right thing to do then, as it is now.

5) He’s an Android: You go out for dinner with a handsome, charming, and funny gentleman, and you think to yourself, “this might be the one!” But then you find out on the fourth date that he’s an android secretly built by Google in a Silicon Valley lab. Sure, he easily passes the Turing Test, but are you really ready for a relationship with the XPG 4800? What will you say to friends? Will his silicone penis cause vaginal irritation? It really makes you wish that people would be forthcoming about major issues on the first or second date, such as their status as an artificial being that will never truly know what it means to be human.

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