There’s been a lot of “fuck you’s” to poor people lately. Whether intentional or not, the more we money we as a species find to spend on stupid things, the more we are burning a metaphorical bag of feces on the metaphorical porch of the 3 billion people (about half of the world’s population) who live on less than $2.5 a day. Out of the many ways we find to ostentatiously show off the abundant alternatives the one percent has to helping people find ways to eat, I have compiled a list of the top 10, most in-your-face “fuck you’s” to the world’s most vulnerable population. Take that, poor people!
10) This broom made out of money: any ounce of potential for sympathy
Take that homeless orphan child! Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll sweep some crumbs in your direction.
9) Gold and Diamond Gameboy: $25,000
See that shoeless Vietnam vet? Now I can be ironic AND wasteful with my modern entertainment choices!
8) Million dollar fishing lure: $1 million
Hey, father of starving family of four dumpster diving for tuna scraps- keep it down! I’m trying to enjoy my shark fin soup caught with this beauty. I’m a lucky guy, he’s a lucky shark (could there be a classier way to go?), and you are SOL.
7) Superlative Luxury T-Shirt: $400,000
Finally, a way to say fuck you to Sierra Leonean diamond miners and Bangladeshi child workers at the SAME TIME! This diamond studded t-shirt makes sure to be globally inclusive with it’s poor folk bashing. But hey, it’s 100% organic, so that’s good, right?
6) Gold-Dipped Nike Dunks: $4,500
What’s that, schizophrenic homeless woman pushing your home around in a shopping cart? You think you’re as successful as me just because we’re both wearing Nikes?!? Think again. Mine are dipped in GOLD, while yours are dipped in your own feces. I suppose the real question is: which one of us is crazier?
5) Corn Flake Shaped Like the State of Illinois: $1,350
No way homeless mother sitting on the wet, cold sidewalk outside of the metro asking for change to feed your child, I cannot stop to give you a dollar. You’re going to make me late for picking up my special corn flake! Show me something worthless that resembles a state, and then we’ll talk.
4) Elvis Presley’s Hair: $115,000
Hey Howard Hughes, clean yourself up! Make yourself useful and help me knit the world’s most expensive scarf out of Elvis Presley’s pubes. If you can deliver a solid cross stitch I may just buy you a sandwich off the McDonald’s dollar menu.
3)Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich: $28,000
No way starving old man living on a park bench, I do not have a sandwich for you. Unless you’d like to buy this holy grilled cheese sandwich, in which case that’ll be $28,000.
2) 3-Ply 22 Carat Gold Flake Toilet Paper: 3.2 million
You know what, I’m tired of the analogies. I’d like to cut out the middleman and literally wipe my ass with money. Finally, a more sanitary way to do such a thing.
1) Donald Trump: priceless(/$10 billion)
The king of the poor people fuck you’s, his majesty, Mr. Donald Trump. What could be more insulting to the poor than the leader of this fuck you movement, along with his run to be the actual president of the poor people that he spends so much of his time insulting? Well done Mr. Trump, you have topped the charts once again. Only you could be more insulting than toilet paper made of gold. BOOM! Congratulations.