Special Report: Are Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump the Same Person?

By Chris Blackwood

Upon initial glance one might find this question absurd: Are Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump the same person? 

“Of course not!” you’d probably say. Donald Trump is a racist, chauvinistic billionaire entrepreneur asshole with a long history of failed businesses, yet with a valuable net worth nonetheless given his many investments with a helpful start of over a jillion dollars passed down by his father in the 70’s. And Bernie Sanders, in many ways, appears to be the opposite: a modest long-term political insider with a history of fighting for civil rights and progressive issues as long as Donald’s history of shitting on poor people.

But take another look at these two candidates and you’ll see that they actually have more in common than meets the eye, just as the well respected, bi-partisan and straight shooting pundit Bill O’ Reilly recently explained in this interview. Indeed, when one takes a closer look at these two, you start to realize that they actually have a ton in common. And, most alarmingly, they’ve never been in the same room at the same time!

Consider:

  1. They both wear shoes to all of their campaign events. It is an undisputed fact that both Trump and Sanders have been consistently wearing shoes throughout their campaigns. In all pictures that display their entire bodies, shoes have been spotted on their feet. Sometimes even the same color.
  2. Neither of them is black, or a woman. All sources have supported the fact that neither Trump nor Sanders is a woman nor African American: not even a little bit. Some sources say that they both may also not be Latino, Asian, or transsexual either (although research is still being conducted to confirm this).
  3. Neither of them is an Olympic athlete. All sources have confirmed that neither candidate is an Olympic athlete. While Bernie Sanders has been known to occasionally play basketball, neither he nor Trump have ever made it to the Olympics. Trump, while not the athletic type, has been known for at least playing video games (although not on an Olympic level).
  4. They both have the letter ‘r’ in their last names. Sanders. Trump. Need we say more?
  5. They both have made numerous public statements about minorities. Sure, Trump’s comments have been disparaging, and Sanders’s have been supportive, but the point is that they’re both talking about minorities. No need to get nit picky about details.
  6. Neither of them has travelled to Togo this year. This is a confirmed fact: neither Sanders nor Trump has travelled to the West African nation of Togo this year.
  7. They both talk about themselves in their speeches. If you carefully watch the speeches of each candidate, you will notice that both Trump and Sanders talk about themselves all the time in their speeches on the campaign trail. It’s always “I will do this” or “I will stop that.” It’s possible they even have the same speechwriter, although this has yet to be confirmed.
  8. They have both been married one or more times. Both Trump and Sanders have been married at least one time. Fact.
  9. Neither has supported Hillary Clinton for president. If you pay close attention to the many things that Trump and Sanders support, you will notice that neither of them support Hillary Clinton for president.
  10. Neither of them has addressed National Comedy Day as part of their political agenda. While it is possible that they are both waiting to get past the partisan primaries to get to the mainstream issue of National Comedy Day, as of now neither Trump nor Sanders has addressed the need for such a day. Perhaps Trump considers it obvious, as it has been suggested that Trump’s entire campaign is, in fact, a joke. A bad joke. A bad joke gone horribly, horribly wrong.

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